


Why Can't I Say It

by hehkhatea



Series: Widojest Week 2k19 [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Death, Character Study, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Uhhhhh tags are hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 00:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19756612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hehkhatea/pseuds/hehkhatea
Summary: A wizard's Transmuter's Stone is a powerful thing.Day 2 of Widojest Week 2k19-Healing





	Why Can't I Say It

Faith was not an easy thing for Caleb to hold on to. His parents believed in the Empire, they believed in beings that went against the latter. Caleb had believed in the Empire, believed in the people that molded him in his formative years. He had seen divine intervention, had seen proof of the existence of higher beings. Has seen it from Fjord, Caduceus, Jester. And for Caleb, seeing is believing. Tangible proof is key.

He could not, however, bring himself to dedicate his life to them.

Caleb had already dedicated his life to the search, the never-ending pursuit for knowledge in the arcane. He didn’t need a draconic bloodline or divine blessing, he had himself. Had his mind. Caleb believed in magic because the risks were laid out for him: nothing was certain, there was always room for error, and he could meticulously worry over it.

He had spent years perfecting his transmuter’s stone. From plucking it off the ground, it had transformed from nothing into  _ something _ containing immense power. The center of Caleb’s study and power.

The rock shattered as Caleb cast the spell over Jester’s body. The debris evaporated in orange sparks that swirled in the air for a moment before landing on Jester.

Once he had learned that he could raise the dead with his stone, Caleb had been dreading the possibility of having to use it. The circumstances of what would lead him to use it were all worrying. 

This was one of those circumstances: after being separated from the rest of the group, Caleb and Jester had to fight and fend for themselves. He wasn’t worried at first, because Jester is strong and fierce and even though she doesn’t like to do it, she’d keep them healthy and alive. It wasn’t supposed to be the other way around.

He didn’t know if it would work, and that was a risk he was willing to take. Caleb would form and reform his stone over and over again, he’d study Dunamancy until his eyes bled. Anything, anything.

For a moment it was quiet, the way it had been quite before the spell. Caleb’s blood was both hot and cold, ringing in his ears and pumping his heart so fast that it felt like he was plummeting off a cliff. 

Maybe he should’ve done more, said something. Anything, anything.

“Jester,” His voice croaked, thick with his accent. “Bitte, Jester.”

Yes, he knew the risk, but it didn’t make the feeling of failure any less painful. Sitting on his knees, Caleb’s breath became labored. A staccato. Slowly, he leaned his body over hers, his face pressed into her stiff stomach as he cried and pleaded. His hands bunched her long skirt, as if he could pull her back by sheer force.

He could sleep, reform his stone a try again, but gods he didn’t want to now. He was sure, he was sure.  _ Damn it all, why couldn’t it have worked? _

Caleb remained there, yelling and crying into Jester’s clothes until he felt uncomfortable doing that to her body. Collecting himself, Caleb smoothed out her clothes, feeling even worse now. Her dress felt warm from his face being there, as did her legs from where he clutched it. She almost looked to be sleeping. Truly.

He must be going mad, but Caleb leaned his head towards hers. Surly his blood must still be pumping too fast, for the softest sound of breathing came from her lips.

Nodding, Caleb figured he needed to sleep. He could try again and again and again until he was a madman in a cave with a dead body. He should keep his distance from Jester’s body.

Exhaustion took over as Caleb curled up in his coat.

* * *

The thing that woke up Caleb was the feeling of something sharp poking into the back of his neck. As his eyes opened, he first wondered if a bandit had snuck up on him and was holding a knife to his neck. Damn himself for forgetting to set his alarm and hut. He then noticed the arm around his side. Limp, blue, and feverishly hot.

Blearly, Caleb’s neck snapped to look behind him and saw a resting Jester cuddled up next to him. Not dead, but very tired, or so it seemed. Caleb didn’t want to think about the possibilities of the undead.

With shaking hands, Caleb removed her from him. Her skin was warm, very warm, and under his fingertips it almost felt like blood was pumping.

“Jester?” He whispered, his voice cracked and deep from crying and sleep.

There were dark circles under her eyes, but her skin looked more like the light blue it normally was. She winced and groaned.

“‘M cold, Cayleb.” Jester wrapped her arms around him again, tighter this time.

“You’re alive!” He breathed, incredulously.

“Yeah?” Jester opened one of her eyes, the square pupil was wide in the dark. Then the other opened and she sat up from the ground, slowly. “Did you think I was still dead?”

“Ja,” Caleb whipped the dry tears from his face, scratching at his beard. “Ja I thought… I used my transmuter’s stone. I didn’t know if it-”

“So you didn’t pray to the Traveller?”

Caleb blinked. Slowly, he turned his head to face her. “Why would I-”

Jester scoffed. “Because he’s my  _ god _ , Cayleb!”

“T-That doesn’t mean he’d listen to  _ me _ , Jester!” She’d been alive for only a few minutes and already she was back on grinding his gears.

“So you slept all night thinking I was dead?” Jester had a sort of mocking tone to her voice, a playful air, despite how tired they were. “How dare you!”

“Ohh, Jester.” He pulled at his hair near his temples, smoothing them back and running his hands through. “You are… so lucky, that I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello hi I'm a day late. I had something a little bit different planed for healing (still involving the transmuter stone) but I didn't like it so I did something else.  
> shout out to my gc (ESPECIALLY ELLEN) for giving me the idea of the transmuter stone.  
> also shout out to @linzer_art on twitter who p much drew this concept. They weren't a direct inspiration but great minds think alike!  
> https://twitter.com/linzer_art/status/1148657362896654336?s=20


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